Your Worth Was Never Up for Grabs

I just finished a lovely book, Lightbulb Moments in Marriage: 12 Biblical Perspectives of Successful and Satisfied Couples by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, and I have to tell you about it.

It's an easy read, genuinely helpful for couples at any stage of marriage, but as a counselor, the chapter that grabbed me wasn't really about marriage at all. It was the first one. The title says it all: "Our Value: God-Given, Not Spouse Driven." (I love a good rhyme, so I wasn't mad about that title one bit. Ha.)

Dr. Eggerichs starts the whole book by laying a foundation most of us skip right past: before you talk about communication, conflict, or love languages, you have to settle where your worth actually comes from. He makes the case that when we let our sense of value ride on how someone else treats us, we put ourselves in a deeply vulnerable position. He points to the hope that there's a sturdier way to stand, rooted not in what another person gives or withholds, but in who we already are in Christ.

Okay, Dr. E. You nailed it. Here's the thing, that idea doesn't stay neatly inside the covers of a marriage book. It spills into everywhere I sit with people.

The Trap I See Over and Over

In my work as a counselor, I meet this trap constantly; people whose sense of worth got wired, somewhere along the way, to how they were treated by a parent, an ex, a friend, a boss. Maybe someone walked out. Maybe someone stayed but never made them feel chosen. Maybe the words "you're not enough" were never said out loud but were communicated a thousand small ways.

Once that wiring is in place, it doesn't stay in the past. It runs quietly in the background of every relationship that follows. We start reading current treatment as a verdict on our value as if the way someone else behaves toward us today is evidence for who we are, rather than evidence of who they are and what they're capable of in that moment.

That's an exhausting way to live, because it means your worth is never settled. It's up for a vote, every single day, cast by whoever happens to be closest to you.

How This Shows Up Early In Dating

I think about this a lot with teenagers and young adults just starting to date. There's a moment where having a boyfriend or girlfriend starts to feel like a stamp of approval; outward proof that you're likeable, wanted, worth choosing. Being "single" can start to feel less like a neutral status and more like a quiet indictment.

That's a dangerous place to make decisions from. When a relationship becomes the thing that proves your worth, you stop asking "is this person good for me?" and start asking "will this person keep validating me?" Those are very different questions, and they lead to very different choices.

I've watched this play out again and again.  A young person stays far too long in something unhealthy, or settles for far too little, or ignores every warning sign not because they can't see it, but because walking away feels like losing the thing that was holding their sense of value together. The relationship isn't just a relationship anymore. It's collateral for their worth. And nobody makes clear-eyed choices when the stakes feel that high.

It's not just teenagers, either. Adults do this too! We just get better at dressing it up. We stay in the wrong job, the wrong friendship, the wrong relationship, chasing one more crumb of approval, because some part of us is still trying to earn what was never supposed to be earned in the first place.

The Better Way

Here's what I keep coming back to, and what Dr. Eggerichs put so well— your worth was assigned before anyone ever had the chance to treat you well or poorly. It isn't up for renegotiation based on someone's mood, someone's mistreatment, or someone's absence. You have value! Full, settled, unshakable value, regardless of your relationship status, regardless of how the last person treated you, regardless of what today's treatment says.

That doesn't mean how people treat us doesn't matter. It matters a great deal, and healthy relationships are still worth pursuing wisely and patiently. It does mean we get to walk into every relationship whether dating, marriage, friendship, or family from a position of security instead of scarcity. We're not there to be handed our worth. We already have it.

So here's my encouragement to you, straight from Dr. E's new book: keep bringing your mind and heart back to where your worth is really found. Not in a text that didn't come, not in a relationship status, not in how you were treated yesterday, but in Whose you already are.

Clink link if you’re interested in reading yourself.